Loss, Death and Moving On
by Derby Stewart-Amsden
The loss of anyone or anything truly important
to us and our family and loved ones will engender all of the same feelings as
losing a loved one, however the intensity of losing a living being is far more
wrenching and often stays with us for much longer - so this article is primarily
about the loss of someone important in your life. However, to lose ones job,
home, role or relationship can be just as devastating.
Loss is something that we are all
confronted with.
Loss is something that we are all confronted with many times
in our lives, sometimes the loss is excruciating
because the one we lose is so precious that there is a time that we wonder
whether we can go on without them. We lose our way, our compass, our meaning and
at those moments we lose touch with out own true selves.
This time of shock is made bearable, or just about bearable,
by the symptoms of shock in the physical body... we
feel less, sometimes nothing, sometimes accompanied by a pseudo guilt
or concern that we do feel nothing. Or not as much as we know we
should... but how much is that?
Working through grief is a very personal experience. The one
or ones we have lost are themselves unique and their place in our lives
unfillable. On my own journey through the dark days, and in helping others to
regain meaning and purpose and focus in their lives I have learned a few thing
that you may find helpful.
Whatever you feel is okay.
Be it pain, a sense of being torn apart, great anger at the
universe, at your god, at the person who has left you. Anger at the medical
staff, at circumstance. Disbelief, and a wish to turn back time, to go back to
bed so that you can wake up from this nightmare. You may feel hopeless, helpless
and useless.
Sometimes you will feel so many
emotions at once that all you can do is cry or rock back and
forth, or you may lose yourself in a bottle or fall into the well of exhausted
sleep.
Often your emotions will tip from despair to a sense that the
future might be okay in a matter of hours or minutes.
Whatever extremes of emotion that you have, from utter
numbness to stabbing physical pains - all these are part of the natural
process. However alone you feel, you are not truly alone, but this
knowledge is unlikely to be of any help in the first weeks.
First steps - Ritual, honour and
celebration
This is perhaps the only time in our lives when even us rebels
truly require some sense of tradition and ritual. When my
beloved feline child, Zair, was cruelly strangled I was out of my mind with
disbelief, anger, wishing myself dead so I could be with her, and at the same
time knowing that a part of me was dead. Attending to her vacant body, grooming
her and placing her carefully for burial beneath her favourite tree was the
first step to returning to my own life.
There is no single correct way to honour our loved
ones, what matters is that we do so in a way that we know would please
the one who we are releasing. Whether you choose a large formal gathering where
many people can attend to show their love and respect, or whether your ritual is
private and personal, it is very important for us to mark the passing of one who
was important to us - for they shall always be important, and the joy that we
have shared, the love and the experiences will be held in our hearts always.
Celebration is often the furthest thing from our minds and yet
that too is essential, for we have so much to celebrate. Every moment
that we shared was a gift, every memory is ours to cherish, even though
so often they bring only tears and anguish at first. Still, to remember over and
over, to hold each one delicately and closely, that is yet another gift. Days
pass, then weeks. Our memories never fade, they gain an charm and depth,
becoming companions and friends. Easing the wounds.
Survival - New Directions, Questions
answered, Growing
Surviving the months after a huge loss is never easy. Some
people simply don't. We all know of couples or close family members who have
passed away within months of each other. I know that I was relieved for my
beloved stepmother when she followed my Dad - he may have been a trial to her in
some ways but their love was never in any doubt.
However most of us choose to keep going, even
though we falter at first and wonder just what life is about and why we are
bothering. But that too alters, and our moments of despair come less frequently.
For many of us, our primary goal is to make some sense
of the loss. To give it a context in our lives that allows us to grow
and to learn in some way. This is by far more healthy than the denial or
repression of feelings.
Although many people will scorn any attempt to look for a
metaphysical explanation, or our desire to be positive in the face of endings,
to do this is the wisest and surest way to recover from the ill effects of loss
with dignity, self acceptance, and memory intact.
Some things that may help you in
this process:-
Remember that those who suffer teach us. This
is a piece of wisdom that I was given by a new friend, and I found it painful at
first. However, when I think about the suffering that those I have lost felt
before theirs deaths, there truly is a message for me in each experience. They
are different lessons, and yet each one is important and now that I can see the
suffering as having a purpose, that too becomes a precious gift.
Trust your initial reactions and intuitions.
Often the lesson that we are given is most clear when you are at your most raw,
immediately after the news comes to you or the realisations sets in. Whilst
those first truths may seem dramatic and ugly, or just plain odd, it is well
worth reminding yourself of them in the following months. Many of us come to
realise that the truth or insight we first felt steers us in the years to come.
Allow yourself as long as you need to shed
all the tears you have to shed, to rant and rave when you need to. Remember that
emotions held inside will eventually turn against you and can lead to many
mental and physical illnesses. But, do be careful not to wear your grief like a
suit of armour that keeps other people away.
Forgive all those people who don't know what to say to
you, who avoid ringing you back, or cross the street when they see you
coming. It is a deficiency and sickness in our culture that teaches us to fear
death, to avoid the subject, to shun the display of deep emotions and to reject
our natural need to talk about the loss. We are all victim of this curious and
absurd taboo around death and loss. It could hardly be a more stupid or
destructive thing than to deny the one thing that we all will always have in
common - our mortality.
Accept the wisdom that you are given -
whether this be when speaking to those wonderful others who allow you to talk of
your loss and your feelings, your dreams, a deeper connection to your intuition,
the ability to accept your emotions better. Loss does leave us vulnerable for
many months, but this truly is a good thing. We can use this time to reach out
to others in a wholly different way. My favourite example of this is my partners
eldest son. He lost his beloved wife and friend some weeks ago, but since then
he has met several people who have also lost their partners in recent years, and
he plans to share his holiday celebrations with them. As he says, "You have
to decide whether you are going to die, take your own life or live. It IS that
simple".
Keep on going. It is true that the passing of
time dulls the pain, and as your energy returns you will gain pleasure from your
daily life again. You will sometimes feel flashes of extreme pain and loss, but
they will become less sharp and come less frequently. Many of us, who have lost
loved ones also find that the sense of their presence helps us feel protected
and less lonely. Whether you feel that this presence is through memories or
through the living soul/spirit, do accept that comfort!
Most important of all, embrace change. Our
astounding universe is constantly changing, and we need to all learn to welcome
new things and people into our lives. It is the most creative and beautiful
process of the cycle of life. Death makes room for new life. Each of us can make
our lives more wonderful, more enriching, more creative and joyous - and that
surely is what those who have died would wish for us.
Derby Stewart-Amsden runs Ashwhin, where she offers holistic
retreats, complementary therapies, Ashwhin Flower Remedies, and resources for
individuals and groups. http://www.ashwhin.com
Derby also works with her partner, Peter Amsden, to bring this holistic and
people centred approach into small business support. ASAT Productions -
www.asat.biz
Article Added 5/18/07
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